Closure with ex after years

If you've ever spent an entire night tossing and turning, analyzing your past relationships and wondering why they fell apart why your relationship fell apart, I'm willing to bet you never got closure from your ex. Did they fall out of love? Could I have done something differently? Will one of us ever apologize? If one or all of your breakups left you with these kinds of questions replaying in your head, you're probably struggling to fully move on. Strongin explains that it can also be difficult to cope with rejection because it leaves the mind mulling over countless possibilities and explanations.

If the breakup didn't happen face-to-face or seemingly occurred out of the blue, you're even more likely to find yourself searching for closure. One way to attempt to resolve any anger, confusion, or hurt you may be experiencing is by contacting your ex and attempting to have a "closure talk.

closure with ex after years

The conversation evolved naturally from there. They told me I did nothing wrong. They just weren't in the space to understand what they really needed from a relationship.

According to Bennett, diving in with everyday chit-chat can allow you both to feel more comfortable, which might organically build into bigger conversation topics. If you jump right in and ask about the end of your relationship right off the bat, Bennett says your ex might freeze up and get out of the pool. Alternatively, you might consider calling or messaging your exthen begin by thanking them for the positive elements of your past relationship — just like Tali, For Tali, hearing those sentiments returned to her back to her was key to her closure.

If you open up the communication waves with your ex, and they don't respond in a positive way or at allknow that their behavior isn't a reflection of you or your relationship. According to Bennett, there's no way to predict how your ex will feel post-breakup, so it's best to prepare yourself for an underwhelming reaction. For Alicia, 37, that meant asking for remorse that her ex wasn't able to provide.

I told him before I would consider it, I'd need an apology from him. I never got that apology. But even if having a conversation doesn't lead to any further understanding, or you feel reaching out would be triggering which is totally fairthere are still ways to seek out closure after a breakup.

Strongin suggests opening up to trusted friends and family or talking to a mental health professional. You could also try journaling, meditation apps, putting together a breakup playlistor any combination of all of the above.

Closure looks, sounds, and feels different to everyone, and if you decide that contacting an ex and having "the talk" is the best way forwardthen you know what's best for you. But remember this: No ex is worth your beauty sleep. Marianna Strongin, clinical psychologist and founder of Strong In Therapy. Jonathan Bennett, certified counselor and relationship expert at Double Trust Dating.

closure with ex after years

By Carolyn Steber. Results for:.When you get your heart broken, there's one thing that tends to obsess you: Getting closure.

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How many times did you or your friend use that excuse to contact the ex, have a phone call or meeting? Or even sex? Hey, I've been guilty of it myself. In fact, I recently found myself in an email discussion with an ex, and at the end of it, I wrote something like, "Well, it's nice to get some closure.

I didn't really feel much closure, to be honest. He still said things I knew to not be true. I still wondered why I'd given the relationship so many damn chances, despite my gut telling me things were not right. And I still wondered why he'd done X, Y, and Z. But closure -- that thing that ties up your relationship in a big bow and explains all -- is that elusive unicorn we chase after a split.

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Hannah Brecher writes poignantly in The Huffington Post about the illusion of closure. When I was 16 years old, my best friends and I used to hold "Closure Ceremonies. We were lovesick girls with anthems of bravery within us. We burned love notes. We screamed and cussed a bit. And then we held one another. We didn't give answers. Maybe that's it. We just need some kind of ritual. Burn the love letters.

Photoshop him out of the photos. But can you ever really find closure? Here are five reasons closure is a myth:. You might be tempted -- or even demand -- some kind of big talk with your ex to find out what went wrong. But the truth is, there is no truth. There's his, there's yours, and there's somewhere in the middle.

If You’re Going To Have The "Closure Talk" With Your Ex, Say This

You two wouldn't have gotten to this point if you had good communication. Don't expect it now. Chances are he's just going to say a lot of stuff to irritate you -- and if he does say something nice like, "I really did love you," then you'll just be all the more upset that it didn't work out. You may finally figure out that your obsession with dogs was a dealbreaker with him, or you may finally acknowledge that his selfishness is abhorrent, but you're both different people than you were in the relationship.

You can never go back and undo anything, or even understand it fully, because you're not that person anymore. And chances are, he has changed too. If he's changed for the better -- oh, so NOW you love dogs too? Asking someone why he broke up with you, or why it didn't work out, is an exercise in futility.

Do You Need to Get Relationship Closure With an Ex?

Chances are, he may not even know himself. And if there are concrete reasons on his end, such as, "I hated your parents" or "I fell in love with my coworker," do you really need to know this? No, you don't. Unlike a movie or book, where there is a clear beginning, middle, and ending, there usually isn't with life.

For every "why" your ex might be able to answer, there are probably 10 he can't or won't. Or will, leaving you even more hurt and confused.Breaking up is hard, but the period of time following a split can be especially brutal.

Early on, you might find it difficult to cope with the pain. And if you're like a lot of newly single people, you may start to believe that getting answers from your ex will help you get over the breakup and feel better. The end of a relationship can leave a dog pile of emotional baggage, as well as blunt questions about why things fell apart the way they did.

No matter what part you played in ending it, you might still have the urge to tie up the relationship in a neat bow—in other words, get closure—before moving on to someone new.

A friend recently confessed to me that more than a year after breaking up, she met with her ex so she could get closure before she relocated across the country. That made me wonder if we really need come face-to-face with our exes.

Is it crucial to have a conversation with a past partner in order to feel good about ourselves and move forward? Is it healthy to seek relationship closure at all? We reached out to therapists for their take, and the answer was a wholehearted yes. Here's what they told us, and how to get the kind of closure that allows you to truly move forward. The main benefit of getting closure is that it helps you work out powerful or conflicting feelings that might be putting your life in stall.

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Orbuch is the author of a study on closure, which found that singles who were able to say "I don't feel much of anything for an ex" were way more likely to find a new love and a long-term relationship than the singles who were still grappling with feelings of love or hate. Needle tells Health that many people won't get the answers they are looking for or will not hear them in a way that is helpful from their former partner. A word of caution: When you listen to your ex, be prepared to hear things that may not exactly make you feel good—like that your ex found someone new, or they blame you for the breakup.

Your ex's thoughts on the relationship might also be wildly different from how you think things went down. Don't let what they say leave you feeling hurt or bewildered. Take it as proof that you two were never a solid match and had such different viewpoints, things could never have worked out.

And if your ex doesn't want to talk? Get closure without them. Orbuch suggests looking at the relationship objectively and finding an outside perspective. Getting their take and seeing the relationship for what it was can help you understand that it was not right for either party—and you're better off without them.

By Susan Brickell May 17, Save Pin FB ellipsis More. Close Share options. All rights reserved. Close View image.When seeking advice after a tough breakup, you've probably heard the same thing from your friends, family members, and therapist if you have one. And what can you do if you feel like you never got the closure you needed from your ex? Understanding how to get closure after a breakup and move on from a past relationship isn't common knowledge.

You can give back your ex's stuff, delete them off social media, and try to spend less time with your mutual friends. But if it's been years since the breakup and you're still hurting, you may need to take other steps.

I spoke to behavior and relationship expert Dr. Patrick WanisPh. Wanis tells Elite Daily. You might go three steps forward and come back two.

Each person will go through it in their own way. There is not a specific timeline to grieving.

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Don't just sit and wait for time to heal you, though. Begin by addressing the reasons why you're still not over your ex. The first thing that usually holds people back from achieving closure is the tendency to form anchors and associationsaccording to Dr.

Your mind automatically creates associations between your partner and certain songs, restaurants, food, fragrances, and more. So when you hear "your song" after a breakup, you think of a particular moment in time, and you feel a sense of loss that the relationship is over, or you experience feelings of loneliness. You programmed yourself to have that association, though, so you can work to create new associations with new people.

How To Get Closure After A Breakup & Move On, Even If Years Have Gone By

Wanis suggests hanging out with different friends and making new memories around that anchor. Listen to the song with different people, and eventually it will form a new meaning. Another way people cling to the memories of an ex is by recalling the past, but changing the emotion associated with it. Wanis calls this euphoric recall.

If you find yourself thinking back to the past and reliving it as a positive experience rather than a negative one, Dr. Wanis believes you should remind yourself of all the pain you experienced with your ex.

Then, start to focus on creating pleasure with someone new. Another thing that could possibly be preventing you from moving on from your ex is the belief that they completed you. Believing in soulmates or the one can be a dangerous interpretation to make, according to Dr. While it sounds romantic on the surface, you're basically saying that you weren't a whole person before; you were incomplete.

You may also be trying to fill emotional voids.

closure with ex after years

If you broke up years ago and still feel empty, it may be because you want to experience certain emotions. Wanis says that these emotional needs can include praise, attention, devotion, guidance, security, connection, purpose, or meaning.

The solution here is to look inward to fill the emotional void, rather than outward. Then, start to connect with other people and allow different platonic relationships to fill those different needs. Other explanations for not getting over your ex include: craving a familiar touch, or what Dr.

Wanis calls contact comfort ; feeling hopeless without this person; clinging to fixed ideas and ideals about relationships; and having unresolved psychological issues. In order to deal with these factors, you need to keep working on yourself. Develop your emotional intelligence by finding out what your needs, values, and motivators are, and discovering your personality type and love language.

Some people don't realize that until they're in a relationship, because they've never thought about their values. Many of us carry subconscious definitions of love, or what I call twisted love. Twisted love is a negative definition of love.What I'm trying to say is, don't let him hold you back.

A clear and open mind is needed to properly handle closure so further damage is prevented. I came to the conclusion why would I want closure from someone as deceitful as my ex. It takes time to settle all the depression and pain that came with the breakup. Johnson said the town would probably need another 0, per year — in addition to the 0, annual contribution that his plan calls for — to cover the full closure cost after 10 years.

The show that brings exes back together. Fall asleep once the action is over, or take off and sleep in your own bed. He still lives a lie, living with his wife and 2 children.

My ex was with me for 3 years. Or, closure might mean that you stop replaying an incident from your childhood over in your head. The reason for that is very simple. I am writing my thoughts down. Your memories may have been sweet, and you love thinking about them, but remember, as much as it hurts, it is not what it was like before.

DonaldTenn Recommended for you. I was the one always running around to make our relationship possible. Our relationship ended more than three years ago, and I was currently dating someone else. My ex died 2 weeks ago when he fell down at his home, hit his head and bled to death. Due to my work stress and financial problems as well as family problems, i was edgy for the past few months and threw tantrums at him, getting over sensitive and paranoid at small little things.

At least showing me the truth about that would give me a better closure. But for Purnima Kothari, living in the suburbs of Kolkata, a lifetime may be too short to move on from the fact that her two brothers — Ram and Sharad — set off for kar seva in Ayodhya with a promise to return just before her wedding. After two years, we bumped into each other in the mall. His apology. At first, I had no idea who it was from, that's how long ago it was that I last talked to him!

It was two long years after she asked me to stay away from her. After running into an ex, leave it in the moment, and then, keep moving forward. One of the most common reasons for reconnecting with an ex is "closure," but few people actually get it when talking to their ex. Getting closure from an ex-girlfriend or ex-boyfriend right after the breakup is not always easy to procure.An ex told me once all he wanted was closure.

My friend once told me all she wanted was closure with her ex. At one point in time, all I wanted was to find some sort of closure with my first love. We all want it and crave it. Because we want answers about why it ended.

About how it ended. And we want to feel better. To get closure is to finally end the chapter of the partnership. I understand why we all want it. It makes sense that we all need to try to make sense of it all and to get some sort of answer. But, if the breakup is already said and done, what good is it to rehash the old wounds? In theory, closure sounds quite lovely.

It almost acts as a cure-all for our breakup woes. And we all would do anything to make the hurt stop.

CLOSURE - S1/E2 - Amy \u0026 Alex - Ex Lovers Reunited

We would do anything to make the pain go away. We want it, to finally move on. We want it, so we can finally let go. You are going to have to hear all about why they ended it with you.

Closure, while painful, can also be scary. You might have to face someone who despises you for breaking their heart. You are the only one who can make the effort and move on with your life. Not with your ex. If so, Claim this business by clicking […]. Thank you for this.

When Your Ex Reaches Out To You Years Later, Here's What Real Women Say It's Like

I really needed to hear this. I am a person who goes crazy without closure and this truth makes me feel a little less crazy. Sign up for the Thought Catalog Weekly and get the best stories from the week to your inbox every Friday. You may unsubscribe at any time. By subscribing, you agree to the terms of our Privacy Statement.

What good will it do to meet up again, just to say goodbye for the second time? And feel yourself crumble all over again. More From Thought Catalog. Get our newsletter every Friday!

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You're in! Follow Thought Catalog.Let me paint you a little picture here. You get dumped. Brutally, brutally dumped. Needless to say, the breakup leaves you heartbroken and devastated. You spend months and months mourning the loss of your relationship until, finally, one day, you wake up feeling a little better. You're finally feeling like yourself again and putting yourself back out there, when, like clockwork, your ex reaches out to you. WTF are you supposed to do?

Well, for starters, you could learn some lessons from the experiences these women shared in a recent thread, based on their own stories of exes reaching back out to them out of the blue. Now, every relationship with exes is different. You can use these women's experiences as your guide, but remember to go with your own gut instincts if your ex reaches out to you. By Candice Jalili.

One dude I dated like four years ago reached out to me randomly in the last few months. Eventually I stopped responding. Dated him for 4 years, he was my first love and broke my heart countless times. He reached out to me over two years after leaving me and getting engaged 3 months later surprise - they didn't work out He didn't even apologize, just wanted to "check up on me.

Too many heartbreaks, and I know myself too well to allow him back into my life in any way at all.

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